That's intense
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
