i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
