I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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