I accidentally burped into my bong.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize