You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
