I CAN MOONWALK!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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