Will you blow on my dice?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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