there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
