His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
