i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
