i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
