There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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