Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think my fart just growled at me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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