We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
