I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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