I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
