I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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