I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
