I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
