This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
