remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
