just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
