the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
