Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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