Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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