MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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