I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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