I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wear drunk well.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
