Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
