You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
