Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize