Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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