If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
