You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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