So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
