It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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