Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
