I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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