My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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