I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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