On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
