i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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