I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize