Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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