Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
