Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize