Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
