Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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