3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
