I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
