if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
