I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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