I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
3pm strippers are depressing
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
