He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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