Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I die, sorry about rent.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
