Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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