I cannot find my penis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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