I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
